Of course it is happening inside your head…but why on earth should that mean that it’s not real?

- Rowling, J.K. (2007).
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
(Cdn. ed., pp. 579). Vancouver: Raincoast Books.

edit: I’ve realised the idiocy of not saying where it’s from; after all, I did specifically mention the date to (hopefully) imply exactly where it came from. And, also, what does it matter what book it’s from? The spoiler is who said it, not the book itself. Citation added. Of course, I *just* sent my APA manual home with my father yesterday, and I can’t seem to find a source that tells me how to cite a specific page in a single-author book (n.b. AUTHOR, not editor), I’m hoping I made the right choice! The post title’s quote is on pg. 503. Wait, when did I start caring…? Merlin’s pants, I’m destined to become a professor!

As anyone can plainly see, that didn’t happen.

It’s nearly 3am, and I can’t get to sleep. Today, I’m stuck in the past. Can’t let go. Which is likely why I’m on here.

So, some random updates (if anyone is even reading this!!):

• Week 14 of 16 began today. I well up every time I think about that. I’m not entirely sure why myself…Montréal was amazing at first, and there’s lots of things I’m going to miss, but there’s also many things I want to put behind me.
• I chose pharmacy. I’m still not 100% sure it’s what I want. Part of my way of thoroughly enjoy it has been to throw myself into it completely. We have a facebook group, and people think I’m so lovely and helpful!
  

  I’m glad you joined the global pharmacy 1T1 group, because now it’s much more alive!

  Silly things like that make me ridiculously happy
  I’m looking forward to it, but I’m scared as hell for multiple reasons. Some are obvious: new school, major program, etc.

  But, I have several major fears…

  • encounters with the past: I’m not entirely sure who’s going to be at UofT next year, and who’s not. Jessica (hehe, I meant Currie, but Chung will be there too!) will be there, and I’ll hopefully have lunches with her. I forget how many Queen’s kiddies will be there, but it includes Elizabeth, Justin, Babak, Pui Yu, Kent, Lianne, Charles He (dear Meds 1T1…I feel for you)…I feel like I’m forgetting someone important, but a quick scan thru facebook and e-mail has revealed nothing. There’s Adil, who some CSCBC2007 people might remember (Jameel’s friend). There’s Maria, a fellow “Discover McGill” friend. There’s also LP kids, new and old, including Andrew Schepmeyer in meds, a bunch of younger people, and I guess Kent gets double-counted here. Vera’s there, I hadn’t even talked to her for years until she recently popped up on facebook!! Speaking of code names (which actually comes in the next sentence), CNB’s brother is there. Most importantly, there’s the friend-turned-bitch, friend-turned-bitch-turned-friend-turned-blah and the-one-who-got-away. Now, I know FTB (hehe, code names) and FTBTFTB both “graduated”, but I have no idea what their new plans are. TOTGA (ha, I’m turning that into TOGA!) also graduated, his/her future seems unclear at the moment but (s)he will DEFINITELY be around, especially during “phrosh” week. Very nervous about that…and, on an “I’m a dumbass” note, why am I bothering to conceal TOGA’s gender, when clearly I’m straight (at least, I hope that’s somewhat clear at this point) which clearly makes him male. Silly girl.
  • encounters w/ the past, part 2: I felt a separate bullet was necessary; there’s already too much for one bullet above, and this problem deserves some highlighting. People who are going to be IN pharmacy are the ones I’m most worried about. Pui Yu’s is going, I don’t think that’s really here nor there. I’ve discovered through facebook that some students and I have mutual friends, but all the pharm kids except for one don’t really seem to be in touch with these friends so they can’t hear anything good or bad. There’s one I’m slightly worried about…his Queen’s friend knows WAY more than he should about my “problems” (mostly because I told him myself, I didn’t have much choice in the matter). I don’t see him saying anything bad about me…I’m worried he might do something seemingly nice like tell the pharm guy to keep an eye out for me in case something happens. Sweet, yes, but I don’t want any preformed notions… And on THAT note, there’s the one I’m most worried about. I feel the need to get this out, and I hope I can conceal this as best as possible. There’s this person I’ve known of through another person since 1st year. They’ve wanted to go to pharm for a while, I’ve known that. When I saw (s)he’d joined the group, I nearly puked. Something I want to escape is going to haunt me, I can just feel it. I’d hoped the pharm student wouldn’t have ever heard my name before and I’d be fine–or, at least, (s)he’d heard my name many times but didn’t make the connection–but the very day I joined the group, (s)he messaged me asking if I was the same person. Frick. Again, I don’t want people to already know things about me before they’ve actually met me (actually, I may have met him/her before, I’m not sure…and, coincidentally, the night I was supposed to meet him/her was the night (s)he didn’t end up making it out for some reason and instead other events occurred that turned my life upside down). I don’t know what (s)he knows of late, but I’m worried sick. She/he seems like someone I’d really get along with, but now I’m scared to get too close. I guess I’m also afraid of certain friends visiting him/her. I just want it to all go away.
  • becoming too reliant on my parents: well, I obviously knew all along that I’d be near home. I knew that I’d sometimes want help with groceries, I’d sometimes want a drive back to Mrs.Auga, etc. What I didn’t know until recently is that I’m living in the Chestnut. First, a mini-rant…the building is ridiculously secure, which I guess makes sense considering how many homeless people camp out in the area (especially when the Law Society does “Feed the Hungry”). You have to get an ID card made when you move in, and you need to show it every time. Guests need to sign in, showing ID. That’s reasonable. Max. 4 guests at a time. That’s reasonable too. Overnight guests can only stay a max. of 3 days in a row. That’s reasonable, 3 nights is a long weekend, and the ultimate goal’s to make sure there’s no extra people living in the building!! It’s the last rule that can go to hell: a person may only stay up to 10 nights in the whole year (remember that they check ID and record it). Boy do I feel sorry for people in long-distance relationships. Boy do I feel sorry for people in relationships period. The funny part about it is, being on the “grad” floor, I get a “super single” room, complete with a KING-SIZE BED! Honestly, what do I need a king-size bed for?? Even if there were someone else in the bed, it’s still really big (and finding reasonably-priced bedsheets is hell). But, with the max. 10 nights rule, how often can a person share the bed. Now, I could turn into a whore and have a different person in the bed every night…but I think it’s very safe to say that’s not gonna happen. Right, back to my parents…if you’ve been to Toronto, picture the area. Stand in the middle of the intersection between Chestnut, Armoury, a walkway and the parking garage entrance. In the northeast corner, you have the Chestnut. In the southeast corner, you have city hall. Now we get slightly more problematic: In the northwest corner, there’s some parking, but just west of that is a row of office buildings and stores, including Staples (sweet!), Thai Express (crap, there goes my money) and…dun dun dun…the Law Society’s “other” offices. Since renovations are constantly being done on Osgoode Hall, various departments have been shifted out there on a somewhat rotating basis. I worked in that building in 2004. Some of the IT section has been moved into there again, which means there’s a lot of people I know. It also means the director of IT (aka CIO) now has two large offices: the main one in Osgoode, and a smaller (but “head”) office in this building. Now, the best/worst part, which has become very clear to anyone who knows anything about me: in the southwest corner, we have…Osgoode Hall. Home of the LSUC. Home of my summer jobs for the past 3 summers. Home of my father’s job (and in case you didn’t make the connection, he’s the IT director). That parking lot I mentioned in the intersection? The one he drives into every morning and parks right near the entrance. Wonderful? Horrible? The death of me? Now, with the building being so secure, he can’t get at me. However, I can get at him. Always. Part of me wishes I didn’t know all the security guards at the front desk, ‘cause they’ll just let me right through. I’m really scared of relying on him too much. I could ask him to bring random things from home whenever I feel like it. I could ask him to take home my laundry and return it the next day. There’s a lot I could ask. And I’m afraid. Especially since, as my mom keeps pointing out, he’s scared to say no to me…after last year’s drama, I now seem to be thoroughly spoiled. Bleh. I hope I can maintain some willpower.
  • becoming too comfy: 1st year Pharmacy is known for being a breeze. That’s if you’re taking the full courseload, including orgo. Now, let’s knock out orgo (since I have an exemption). They only let you have exemptions for certain courses. Anatomy is a full year, and mine was a half-year, so clearly that’s that. You can get an exemption for physical chem, but I haven’t taken that. I don’t know which one pisses me off more: stats or microbiology. With microbiology, my oh-so-lovely 95% has gone to waste. It’s one of the courses on the “no exemption” list, since it’s tailored towards pharmacists. With stats, your proposed course must have included 3 things: ANOVA (yes), experimental design (no) and use of a computerized statistical package. Now, hold on a sec…people are now being penalized for learning how to do the real math instead of clicking 3 buttons. But what REALLY bothers me is that experience counts for nothing. My stats course didn’t use SPSS. However, I’ve used SPSS, R, Systat and the MATLAB Statistical Computing add-on package EXTENSIVELY between the four+ labs I’ve worked/volunteered in. There’s also the MATLAB, Mathematica and Maple experience. I didn’t realise how well I knew MATLAB until last week, when I helped out a friend with her lab’s new project/mess. I’ve now worked in two labs where I designed and independently ran experiments. My course didn’t have the “design” component, but I’ve learned it all (not *all*, clearly, but above and beyond what’s expected in pharm stats) through experience and revisions, as well as through doing my own reading!!!! Pharm doesn’t care…I said I could submit letters from profs about my experience etc., but no. BAH. Looking at the course website, it looks like it’s going to be simple enough for people who are doing it the first time around. For me, so long as I don’t get too cocky about it and ignore it, it should be a breeze. So, all in all, I’m taking anatomy, microbiology, stats, phys chem, “applied pharmaceutical sciences” and a bunch of pharmacy courses. Let’s see…given my history with anatomy, microbiology and stats (not only did I get >= A in all, but I actually enjoyed them and retained knowledge), the hardest courses are knocked out. Phys chem’s supposed to be very dumbed-down. A lot of the pharm courses are about critical thinking, communication, etc. It all works out to me having an easy-peasy first year (no, this isn’t just me talking, other pharmacy students have weighed in their opinions too). Now, one the one hand, that would be LOVELY, especially given that I’m still not “well”. However, to move into 2nd and 3rd year (aka suicide year) with this would be insane! So crazy, in fact, that I’ve managed to get my mom on board. With Pharmacy, you pay for the program, not the number of credits. So, you’re paying the same amount whether you take all the courses or have a lot of exemptions. So, we’re allowed to register in artsci courses, and it’s all prepaid! Of course, fitting an ArtSci course into the schedule is a BITCH, but it’s doable. “Neurochemical Basis of Behaviour” (essentially psychopharmacology) is available and non-conflicting BOTH semesters!! I really hope I get in! Something icky about UofT’s reg process…they won’t let you see how many seats are available in a course unless you’re on the current “eligible students” list. Until this week, priorities have been in place…like, for example, that course (PSYC396) can only be entered by psychology students for now. Starting next Monday, I can get in. But, before then, I can’t even find out if there’s space!!!!! Bah.

I think that’s all I can type for now…exhaustion becomes me.

Leaving your pets?
Posted Sunday, April 1, 2007
Are you moving away and leaving a pet behind? A dog, a cat or a roddent, let us have it! We’ll take care of it, play with it and feed it. contact by email for more information -Anton, L’Oreal Cosmetics, Montreal.

Okay, now clearly I’m not against animal testing for science, and I’m not sure what my views are on cosmetics…but this is just taking it too far. This just disturbed me, especially since there might be people who don’t know any better…ugh.

I guess I’ve always been the type of person who will drop EVERYTHING if a friend is in need. I could have a 70% final the next day and still spend with a friend who’s very upset about something random. It’s happened before, and it’ll likely happen again.

Why can’t anyone ever do that for me?

I understand that everyone has work to do. I know that. I just wish someone could give me maybe 15 minutes of their time. But it won’t happen. And…this is what happened last time. I needed to talk to someone so bad, and no one would listen, and it just built up so much that I couldn’t stand it anymore and tried to jump off the roof.

History’s repeating itself, and I’m terrified it might continue.

And it’s not just that. I’m falling further and further behind in my work because I have this complete inability to concentrate when I’m upset or annoyed with someone. I can’t think about anything else. Friends are always the most important thing to me. And I’m never important to anyone.

I keep meaning to update and say: “I got a job!!!” It’s here in Kingston, in the rat lab I’ve been working in all year. I was so excited about being here, being with only a few people (and therefore having a closer-knit group), etc.

keyword: was

I can’t even begin to explain the past week. That’s mostly because I can’t for the life of me figure out what happened and why. Let’s just say that it would seem I’m in a fight with one of the people who’d be here this summer, and that I’m royally confused, hurt and PISSED. A small aside: it’s amazing how much you find out about a person when you’re pissed at them. Gossipy girls are fun. But yes…I’ve realised a few things. Firstly, this was the person I was going to tell about the things that happened last year (ick) so that…someone knows. I dunno. Now, I just don’t trust him/her. I seemed to have it in my head that we were somewhat good friends, and I’ve realised (s)he knows NOTHING about me, and vice-versa. Almost everything we know about each other is academic.

I’ve been so upset, not just because of the fight and the accompanying “I’ve-lost-a-friend” paranoia, but because I was starting to realise that if I stay in this city, I might end up all alone and completely devastated. I mean, seriously, some of the people who will be here include the abovementioned jackass who, based on his/her comment(s), clearly doesn’t want me around; the guy who’s married to his computer (okay, we all know that one’s Aidan); the bitch who quite intentionally hurts me any chance she gets, attempts to steal prospective boyfriends, tries to undermine everyone, thinks she’s all that, clearly has issues that she projects onto others, and so much more; and the person who’s only a few blocks away and yet I don’t know where, and knowing that kills me in a way I could never describe (and has just again made me tear up in the middle of the computer lab…nice).

Now, the turnaround.

I applied before to the Discover McGill Behavioural Neuroscience Undergraduate Summer Training Program. To apply, you fill out their online application (with many questions and whatnot) and, if they’re seriously considering you, they request 2 letters of recommendation and a transcript from you. So, when I was offered a job here, I never submitted the supplementary materials since (a) I had a job and (b) I couldn’t ask for a reference letter for a summer job from the man who just hired me! So that was that.

Or so I thought.

I’m sitting in class the other day, unbelieveably bored, so I check my e-mail. There’s a message in the inbox, entitled “Welcome!” from Dr. Mogil, one of the profs I’d specified. Confused doesn’t even begin to explain what I felt. I opened it, and read about how I’d been accepted to his lab and he wanted to contact me and the other trainee to get in touch before May yadda yadda yadda, and that I’d “learn officially sometime later in the week” that I’d been accepted. Confused, excited, awed, stressed, ecstatic, … pick an emotion and I was probably feeling it. I eventually figured that they’d come to their senses, realise I never sent the other stuff, and not get the official acceptance.

Two hours later, the acceptance arrived.

In a nutshell, I have to decide between Queen’s and McGill. This is SUCH an incredible opportunity, I can’t even believe it. I’d be working in the Pain Genetics Lab, which I’d applied to not only because the topics were interesting but because they use genetic techniques, including microarrays, extensively. I’ve had the pharmacology experience now, and I’d kind of like some genetics experience before I make any big decisions about further education. The program itself is amazing, I’ve heard nothing but good things about it. I’d get to be in a new city and have a whole new experience, which I actually LIKE the sound of; this time last year, the idea of being in a different city would have made me puke. It’s just so…wow. I can’t believe it.

Problems: well, first of all, I did already say I’d be working here. However, no paperwork has been done, I’d yet to find a sublet, and more…I can’t help but wonder whether fate or God or something had a role in all this. I’d have to go talk to my boss here, but I have a feeling he’d be supportive of the program and me going to Montreal. I also know next to no one there. Anyone I know from high school has either graduated or is going to be in Ontario for the summer. I think all that leaves is Harley, who I don’t really know, and I have a feeling I’d drive him up the wall pretty quickly. Then again, there’s going to be all these trainees in the same situation, and I’d quite likely make friends. And if I don’t…the thing is, would I rather be lonely in a city where I’m brand new and have no friends because I don’t know anyone, or be lonely in a city where I can’t seem to keep friends and have people resenting me? I think the answer’s obvious.

I guess the biggest problem is convincing my parents. My dad actually did say the words “I forbid you to go”. They’re scared about my sanity, and I am too. But the more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I think that it will be GOOD. I’ll have a chance to get away and do something I love while I’m at it. A perfect opportunity to make new friends. Yes, it’s further, and they couldn’t come up as much…I know that. My mom keeps saying “You always want us to come to Kingston and get you groceries and stuff…you can’t survive on your own.” Well, maybe that’s exactly what this will do: help me establish my independence. Especially after last year, I know that I rely too much on my parents, and that I need to “grow up” in that sense. If something serious happens, I do have some family. My uncle sort of lives there…he officially lives in Vancouver, where the rest of the family is, but his job sent him to Montreal a few years ago and he lives in an apartment there but goes home a lot. So, my dad’s argument there is that my uncle’s always going home on weekends plus will have a 3-week vacation. All that did was remind me that my dad will also have vacation time and therefore can be with me for a few days. My dad also has some cousins there, I’ve met them before, but they’re not close at all…but if something really serious were to happen, I’m pretty sure they’d come through.

I’d miss my parents. I’d miss my kitty. But I’d still miss them if I was here. And it’s not like I could go home more often if I was in Kingston as opposed to Montreal, due to the rats (they need to be taken care of!!). Dealing with the orthodontist would be icky, I’d have to come home on a Monday every few weeks, but that would be exactly the same if I was in Kingston…just a shorter and cheaper trip. I’d miss friends, but pretty much no one is here anyway (and don’t get me started on the “who is my friend?” topic…). I’ve now spoken to two people who’ve done the program before and LOVED it. Everyone (including the psychiatrist!) has been encouraging me to go, except my parents. Even Elizabeth, who knows all about last year, was highly recommending the idea, and she’s an especially good source since she went to UBC last summer for a similar program while knowing no one etc.

It seems like such a simple decision. So why the hell can’t I make it?

I said before that I hated how Firefox always opened a blank page when you create a new tab or window, unlike IE which opens the current session in another window (but doesn’t do it for other tabs). The solution? Tab Mix Plus. (There’s a few others too, but this one dominates).

For IE, I miss the “incremental searching” ability. Solution? New add-on called “Inline Search for Internet Explorer”, which I love so much that I even edited a Wikipedia page to let the world know.

In Opera, it turns out there IS an incremental search option, it’s just not the default. You press “/” on your keyboard, and a little panel shows up in the bottom-left corner…it highlights all occurrences in the page, but doesn’t let you go from result to result like most “finds” do. I also the Wand. I’ve definitely been coming around to Opera, but it could never be my default browser. Why? Partly because I’m comfortable with Firefox. Partly because I have yet to find a feature in Opera that isn’t available as a FF extension. Mostly, there is no tablet support!!! There’s not even a “go” button for when you type in a URL in the address bar. Not cool.

I still hate the number of pages that don’t render properly in certain browsers. This Wordpress page I’m typing in now isn’t rendering properly in IE, go figure. That’s what I get for wanting to save my Firefox session.

On that note, that’s something else I love about everything but IE: session saving, especially auto-saving upon a crash.

I also hate that Firefox just plain refuses to download some key things like Flash. Come on already.

After playing around with Safari in the lab for hours, I’ve decided it’s a bitch and it ought to die.

I’ve yet to download Flock, but it’s coming.

I’m sitting here procrastinating. I ought to update “the world” on my current employment status. No confirmed job yet. However, I have an interview today at the Autism Research Centre. It’s a SWEP position, combining molecular biology techniques and bioinformatics and data entry. I *still* haven’t heard back from my current supervisor about the summer…he said he’d get back to me by the end of last week. However, judging by various comments he’s made recently, it looks like I’m going to get the offer. Lastly, I applied to the McGill Behavioural Neuroscience Summer Training program, and got a “request for supplementary materials” (which is the final step before an offer). My problem there is that I need reference letters. I don’t want to ask Dr. Beninger for a reference letter right now since I’d like a position from him (and also because all this headship stuff is overwhelming him), so I need to figure something out. We’ll see!

More updates later, random friends just showed up!

I say x+1 because I’m not sure how many x is anymore.

I can’t deal with this anymore.

How many more friends do I have to lose?

What am I doing wrong? In this case, I’m completely clueless. When last we spoke, (s)he and I were discussing work. There was nothing controversial, negative, nothing seemed in the least bit wrong. Now, my messages are being ignored. I’ve gone frmo speaking to him/her almost every day to nothing.

Is there something fundamentally wrong with me, that I don’t deserve to keep friends, especially close ones?

Losing this friend would hurt in any case, but I don’t think I’d be this…catatonic. Numb. Most of the time. Then I burst into tears. Then I’m back to nothingness. I’m walking around like a zombie, very slowly. I’m coming to the lab, but that’s pretty much it.

A part of me is actually hoping I don’t get hired so I can curl up in a ball and recluse. That’s not a verb, but I can’t think of a verb right now.

I’m not studying. I just had my 50% MBIO midterm, and undoubtedly failed. I didn’t write enough to pass. I didn’t study because I’ve been too busy staring at the wall, or something to that effect. And I’m not all that bothered by failing right now. I’m just…nothing.

I have assignments due tomorrow.

Nothing.

I stare at the screen. Writing this is effort, and I’m writing at about 20WPM, if that.

And I don’t think I’d be like this over losing this particular friend if it was an isolated event.

It’s an additive effect.

Before, I was always sad, always hurting, so upset about the friends I’ve already lost, not knowing what to do or how to either rectify it or get over it.

Now I’m…nothing. That’s the only word that comes close to describing it. I know there’s another word. I’ve used it before. You can usually find it in relation to depression. No idea what the word is. But that’s also not quite right.

I don’t know who I’m supposed to talk to. If anyone. I messaged a couple of people, but I don’t really feel like talking. I considered calling a crisis line, because this isn’t right, but I don’t think this is the right thing to call about. You call if you’re feeling suicidal. I’m not feeling suicidal, I’m feeling nothing. Feeling suicidal would be an improvement (and that’s actually a clinical fact, not just my opinion).

I don’t know what to do, and I don’t much care.

I have to talk to an academic advisor. I’m wondering, if I delay my convocation until Fall 2007, can I get the Honours degree, since the calendar is published in May and some of the course changes take place in the summer? Or, if I’m not here next year, can I still “convocate” in Spring 2008 (especially if I took a course by correspondence)?

This removes one of the major cons for Pharmacy; I was worried that not having an Hons degree and then doing Pharmacy (which, being a professional degree, is not an Honours degree, because you can’t be both) would come back and bite me in the ass if I want to apply to grad school later. That might not be a problem anymore!!

The only thing I know for sure is that I can’t get both an Honours Life Sci AND an Honours Biomed degree, because there’s too much overlap. So, I have to be really sure that I’m sticking with Pharmacy.

What a great day. Seriously. I’m waiting for something to come and ruin it now…every time I write a post about a good day, something dreadful happens. However, those ones never make it to press ( ) so no one ever reads about them!

Not only did I manage to successfully read the 25pg and 16pg journal articles AND finish my pathology assignment AND write a very successful CISC220 midterm (seriously, can one line be considered a script? It’s a command! ), but I also finished my CISC220 assignment well ahead of time and handed it in. Now, tomorrow, I don’t have to go anywhere outside a ~200 metre radius!!!!! Unfortunately, I do have to go to the psychiatrist, which’ll make the day…fun. But YAY!

//rant
There was one particularly crappy incident earlier though. I’m sitting in pathology, listening to the seminar, and all of a sudden, my cell phone rings. It says “Mom” on the call display. Of course, I shut it off, but I started becoming paranoid about she was calling when she knew I was in class. With multiple worst-case scenarios running through my mind, I dialed the number after class. My Dad picked up on my Mom’s cell, when he should have been at work. That brought on the major panic attack. I asked, “Why are you answering her phone,” and he told me she was at the eye doctor with her, followed by a sniffle. Now, my mom has had retinal detachment surgeries in the past, so between that and her diabetes, she’s always worried about going blind. This would be the point where I collapsed onto the bench, burst into tears, and started going “Oh God, oh God, it’s happened, she’s gone blind, oh God…” until my Dad said “What are you talking about? I’m just here with her because she needed me to drive her. We called about your laptop (which is another story for another day…involving my laptop now being non-useable).” Wow. I freaked out over nothing. But honestly, given the circumstances, wouldn’t anyone else flip out too? The best/worst part is when my Dad started laughing at me because I was panicking. NOT FUNNY. I had panic attacks for several hours after that.
//rant

So all my work for tomorrow is done, and I’m almost done all of this week’s work. Next week will be hell though. But, I’m definitely in a keener-study mode right now!

Check out the mouse retina, slime mold and squid embryos! So cool!

So You Think You Know Me…

(2 Points) My name:
(4 Points) My last name:
(4 Points) Who am I in love with:
(1 Points) Where did we meet:
(6 Points) Take a stab at my middle name:
(1 Points) Where do I work:
(3 Point) What am I afraid of:
(2 Points) Do I smoke :
(3 Points) Do I drink:
(3 points) Do you think I’m a virgin:
(1 Point) Do I have any siblings:
(2 Points) How many:
(2 Points) What’s one of my favorite things to do:
(1 Point) How many piercings do I have:
(4 Points) How many tattoos do I have:
(3 Points) What’s my favorite type of music:
(4 Points) Am I shy or outgoing:
(3 Points) Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
(2 Points) Whats my favorite color:
(3 Points) Name something I hate:
(4 Points) Name a talent I have:
(4 Points) What’s my phone number:
(4 Points) What kind of sneakers do I wear:
(4 Points) Do I have any pets:
(2 Points) Who am I dating/crushin’ right now:
(5 Points) How long have I been dating them:
(5 points) How tall am I?
(5 Points) What is my worst habit:
(5 Points on creativeness) If I were stranded on a desert island, what would I bring:

I’LL SEND YOU YOUR SCORE WHEN I GRADE IT

80-85 Points; Best Friend.
70-79 Points; Great Friend.
40-69 Points; Friend.
20-39 Points; You should hang out with me more! Ask Me when.
00-19 Points; Either you’re a crappy friend or you’re a new friend!

You have walked into a glass/screen door on more than one occasion.
You have tripped on your own shoelace and fell.
You have choked on your spit and thought you were gonna die.
You have seen the Matrix a few times and still don’t get it
You type only with your two pointer fingers.
You have accidentally caught something on fire.
You find Aqua Teen Hunger Force hilarious.
You have told a cop to fuck off and got screwed for it.
You have attempted to sip out of a straw but it accidentally went into your nose/eye, rather than your mouth.
Sometimes when you think of something funny, you laugh out loud and people look at you weird.
You have caught yourself drooling on several occasions.
You have accidentally caused an explosion.
If someone says the word “poop” you can’t help but laugh for five minutes straight.
You have turned into a “do not enter” one way road plenty of times.
You have been in a car accident simply because you weren’t paying attention.
You have been caught driving drunk.
Sometimes you just … stop thinking.
You’ve tried to lick your elbow. I just tried!
After answering that you tried to lick your elbow. LOL!!! I didn’t even read ahead!
People often shake their heads and walk away from you.
People often tell you to use your “inside voice”
Food has fallen out of your mouth while talking.
You use your fingers to do simple math.
You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
You have eaten a bug for $5 or less.
You have puked in your boyfriend/girlfriend’s car.
You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important.
You repost chain letters because you’re scared of what they threaten will happen if you don’t.
You have fallen down the stairs before.
You have peed your pants. when I was little…
You have ran around naked/almost naked when you were drunk.
You have failed a class in school.
You accidentally break a lot of things.
You admire George W. Bush’s intelligence.
Your friends know not to use big words on you.
Your friends like you because you’re fun to laugh at.
You cock your head to the side when you’re confused.
You sometimes start telling a story and suddenly forget what you were talking about.
You have fallen out of a chair before.
When you’re laying in bed, you sometimes stare at the ceiling and try to find pictures and words in the texture.
You take ADD medication.
You don’t get it.
You had to count your total more than once before you could get the final number.

IF YOU ARE 0 - 10% YOU ARE NOT DUMB
IF YOU ARE 11 - 25% YOU ARE A LITTLE DUMB
IF YOU ARE 26 - 50% YOU ARE MODERATELY DUMB
IF YOU ARE 51 - 75% YOU ARE PRETTY DUMB
IF YOU ARE 76 - 100% YOU ARE REALLY DUMB

[.5] You dress how you want to. no one’s stopping me, but I can’t find anything stylish that I can fit into…
[.5] You hang out with friends more than once a week.
[x] There is a computer/ laptop in your room.
[ ] You have never been beaten up
[ ] You dont cry more than twice a month
[x] You are allowed to listen to the music you want to.
[ ] Your room is big enough for you.
[ ] People don’t use you for something you have.
[x] You have been to a concert.
total: 4

[x] You have over 50 friends on myspace Facebook
[x] You have pictures on myspace Facebook
[x] Your parents let you have a myspace Facebook…and they can’t stop me
[ ] You get allowance or get money whenever you ask for it.
[.5] You collect something normal. I used to collect normal things, e.g., stamps, spoons, rocks, coins, etc… now I collect socks, msn icons…oh, and hard drive space
[x] You look forward to going to school.
[ ] You don’t wish you were someone else.
[ ] You play a sport.
[x] You do something after school.
total: 5.5

[ ] you own a car/truck
[ ] You usually don’t fight with your parent(s).
[ ] You are happy with your appearance
[x] You have never got a failing grade on a report card in your life
[.5] You have friends just not sure how many or how “good” they are…and who knows when they’ll decide that they don’t want to be my friend anymore, as so many have done in the past…
total: 1.5

[.5] you know what is going on in the world.
[x] You care about many people.
[ ] You are happy with your life
[ ] You usually aren’t sick. always mentally sick, physically sick almost always
[x] You know more than one language
[x] You have a screen name.
[x] You own a pet.
[x] you know the words to more than 5 songs.
[ ] You don’t have any enemies
[ ] You are happy where you’re living.
total: 5.5

total over all—> 20.5
x 3 = 61.5
101%+: A+
100-90%:A
89-80%:B
79-70%: C
69-60%:D
59-00%:F

Oh yay, only 1.5% off from failing. My day just got so much better.

I finally installed WAMP on my computer, followed by WP 2.0.5 (which is what’s in use on my server, despite further minor releases), and then WP 2.1 has just been released (and is being supported by my webhost).

Someone is trying to make me scream.

I was completely out of white paper, which is awesome when you have assignments to hand in. I’ve been drying my hair with lukewarm air for 2 weeks because my hair dryer broke, and I needed a new one. I needed some new clothes. I needed ink.

So, I finally decided that I’d skip all my non-mandatory classes today so that I’d have time to get this stuff. That means I went to pathology 9:30-11:30, and was going to pharm lab 2:30-5:30.

LAB IS CANCELLED.

I’m tired, I’m stressed, I’m hungry and I’m pissed off. And, to top it all off, it’s -20° outside before you factor in the lake effect and the wind tunnels, which bring it closer to -25°. I’M GODDAM FROZEN SOLID. My face is redder than my hair. I can’t feel my ears.

NOT A GOOD DAY.

On top of all this, I’ve once again been reminded that I’m a fat cow. Nothing fits properly. I can’t fit into pants from any store downtown. I can fit into tops but…XL is ridiculously frumpy looking around the shoulders, and L is too tight around the stomach. So, I’m back to wearing the shirt I’ve owned for 6 years.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

1. Where were you 1 hour ago? Right where I am now: in my bedroom.
2. Who will be your next kiss? HAHA I have no idea. I have a couple of names in mind…
3. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? I have a pink pad of Post-It notes right next to my hand.
4. When is the last time you went to the mall? During the holidays…beginning of January, maybe?
5. Are you wearing socks right now? Yup
6. When was the last time you went out of the province? Wow, I have no clue. I’m thinking during the summer, when I went to Buffalo.
7. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? Nope
8. What was the last thing you had to drink? Diet Ginger-Ale, which I’m drinking as I type
9. What are you wearing right now? PJs: Mudd watch, MedicAlert bracelet, the Coors Light t-shirt we got during Tech Week, navy blue pj pants with light blue stars on them, and pink socks with froggies on them. Oh, I guess that means I have something else that’s pink nearby!
10. Have you been in a car wash? Yup
11. Last food you ate? eating leftover pizza right now!
12. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Babak
13. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? sadly, no. I need to, quite desperately, but I’m too lazy to walk downtown. I also need a new hair dryer and I NEED PAPER!!!!!!!
14. Do you have a pet? Yes, I miss my Tiggy-cat
15. What’s the last sporting event you watched? Haha, figure skating, last Thursday, when I made Dumitru and Jameel watch it
16. What is your favorite class? Interest wise: “Human Molecular Genetics” and “Pharmacology”; socially: “System-Level Programming”
17. If you could be anywhere right now where would you be? probably out with a certain guy
18. What is the last thing you purchased online? Cross Sums magazines.
19. What is a random fact about you? When I was little, I loved the movie Aladdin so much, I had the entire script memorised, and I would recite it to myself as I fell asleep. I also watched it so much that my mom told me that if you watch a tape more than 200 times, it’ll break. I kept count.
20. What is your favorite song? Too many…
21. What is your favorite movie? Too many…
22. Last play you saw? Wicked! But, I wish I’d seen QMT’s version of Into the Woods
23. What are your plans for tomorrow? Wake up, go to class 9:30-1:30, eat lunch, go to lab 2:30-5:30, go to my room, shower and primp, I think I’m going to Dumitru’s to watch Grey’s and Scrubs, then off to the QP and then pass out.
25. Ever go to camp? Camp Tawingo, where I had a fever of 103° and was picked up by my parents early after having spent the whole time in bed except when carried to the cafeteria by a chaperone.
26. Were you on the Honor Roll in school? not in university (yet)
27. What do you KNOW about the future? I’m screwed.
28. Are you wearing perfume or cologne? Nope
29. What time is it right now? 9:48PM
30. Where is your best friend located? I don’t even know if I have a best friend anymore. My old one is in this city somewhere…
31. Do you have a tan? I’ve NEVER had a tan…although one summer, some freckles on my face merged, and it looked like a dark tan
32. How old do you want to be when you have kids? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I was going to do a post on it, but I’ve yet to do it. When I was younger, I always imagined I’d be a really young mom…like, I’d have kids at 23. For the past few years, that’s been out of the question. Yet, over the last few months, I’ve begun to feel my biological clock ticking. I’m 20/21, and I’m already feeling it. Frick. That said, I’m thinking I’d like to have at least one kid in my 20s. Hell, like that’s going to happen. First, I need a boyfriend.
33. Do you collect anything? Socks, books, msn icons, a bunch of random things…I used to collect Beanie Babies, spoons, coins and stamps.
34. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over? Never!
35. What kind of sheets do you have? Ummm…ones from JCPenney.
37. Do you like hot sauce? Not at all. Where’s question 36?
38. Last time you showered? Yesterday.
40. What is your mood? sad, devastated, lonely, lost, not wanting to work. Oh, and very curious, as question 39 is also missing.
41. Are you someone’s best friend? And suddenly I’m even more depressed
42. What is the last tv show you watched? I’m watching “The West Wing” right now (on the computer)..

*HAVE YOU EVER…*
23. Said “I love you”: Not as in “I’m in love with you”…and I would never say “I love you” to this survey, as it’s numbering system is FUCKED UP
24. Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird etc: Oh most definitely! All the time! My cat and I have hissing wars and staring contests.
25. Have you ever been to New York?: Yes.
26. Been to Florida: twice.
27. Been to California: Once, for a couple of days…then my grandfather died and we left…
28. Been to Hawaii: Nope. I was supposed to go in 1998 for my great-cousin’s wedding, but my mother forbade it. GRRR
29. Been to Mexico: No.
30. Been to China: No.
31. Been to Ireland: Yes.
32. Dreamed something really crazy and had it happen to you the next day?: Oh yes, it was freaky…
33. Do you have a crush on someone: I have a crush on two people, actually. And neither likes me back. Isn’t life grand?
34. What book are you reading now?: I’m in the middle of multiple books, including Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures by Vincent Lam, Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel, a bunch of textbooks and the Bible.
36. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up: Too early. Now I’m also going to think, “What the hell is up with the numbers on this survey?!?!”
37. How many rings before you answer: In this room, at least 2, because that’s generally how long it takes for the caller ID to register the number.
38. Future daughter’s names: No clue.
39. Future son’s names: ditto
40. What do you sleep with: bedsheets and PJs. I have 4 stuffed animals here (Swifty the Rabbit (Swiftheart from Care Bears/Care Friends), Effie the dog, Flip the Beanie Buddy cat and Jamie the monkey). Oh, and who could forget Toby, the CPAP machine. *rollseyes*
41. What do you wear to sleep in: Generally, an oversized T-shirt and cute PJ pants.
42. Where do you wish you were?: Didn’t I already answer this?
43. Piercings: ears.
44. Tattoos: nada
45. Hair color: red.
46. Eye color: blue-green-grey with hazel in the middle. It’s true.

*THE EXTRA STUFF*
47: What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use: Frizz-Ease
48. Who is the last person that called you: Babak
49. Where do you want to get married: I don’t know
50. If you could change anything about your life what would it be? just about everything
51. Hate: bleh
52. Been In Love: no
53. Are you timely or always late?: depends on what it is
54. Do you have a job: yes
55. Do you like being around people: most of the time
56. Best feeling in the world: feeling loved
57. Are you a health freak: I wish!
58. Do you have a “type” of person you always fall for: I used to. It now seems to have expanded to “everyone”.
59. Do you want kids: I think so

*THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU…*
60. Cried: yes
61. Bought something: surprisingly, no
62. Gotten Sick: homesick
63. Sang: yup
64. Said I Love You: no
65. Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: sort of
66. Moved On: no
67. Talked to someone: yes
68. Had a serious talk: yes, I went to the psychiatrist today
69. Missed Someone: yes, quite desperately…
70. Hugged Someone: no
71. Kissed Someone: no
72. Yelled at Someone: nope
73. Dreamed about someone you cant have: define “can’t have”…if it means someone who’s “off limits”, then no.

If anyone is actually interested, here’s my schedule:

I’m supposed to be in class right now.

Clearly, I’m not.

This is why I shouldn’t schedule psychiatric appointments in the mornings. I go, I cry, I make myself miserable and I lock myself up in my room.

Oh, and apparently I’m now undergoing treatment for PTSD because, while I don’t have PTSD specifically, I’ve “been through a lot of trauma recently and am exhibiting PTSD-like symptoms.” Isn’t life grand?

If you ask certain people whether I tend to share my feelings, whether I’m open at all, they’d say no. Anytime they broach a subject relating to something serious, I close off and run away. Others would say yes. I share and share and don’t leave them alone.

I guess the thing with me is that I, in general, don’t want to share my feelings. I don’t want to put my burdens on others. But then, when given the right cue, I’ll let someone in. And they’ll regret it. Because I’ll start turning to them for support all the time. I’m sure anyone who’s “in” will agree.

I’ve always had this problem, I know that. I remember saying something similar to this to Andrea in grade 9. If you don’t know me, I’m shy; once you’ve gotten to know me, I’m so open you’ll regret it. Nowadays, I wouldn’t so much say I’m shy, but I don’t share. Too many people have hurt me for me to be able to tell anyone how I really feel about anything without being afraid of them turning around and leaving. I’ve had so many friends turn around and leave me after I’ve opened up to them in the past. In fast, I’ve had that happen twice recently, it seems. “People always leave.”

I wish I knew how to make myself a better person. I just keep screwing everything up. And I lose everything that matters to me.

There’s a small purpose to this post: if you’re one of those people who want in, you sort of have to let me know somehow, and know that once you’re in, you’re in.

[1] I have read a lot of books.
[] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[2] I have been to Canada. - I live in Canada…

[3] I have been to Europe. - If you consider the UK part of Europe…which a lot of people tend not to.
[4] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[5] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[6] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[7] I have been snowboarding/skiing.

[8] I have played ping pong.
[9] I swam in the ocean.
[] I have been on a whale watch.
[10] I have seen fireworks.

[11] I have seen a shooting star.
[] I have seen a meteor shower.
[12] I have almost drowned. - I was 3, and I have a VERY vivid memory of it
[13] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear. - this happens every day…

[14] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
[15] I have had stitches. - you know how you had to build a bridge like 50 000 times in elementary school? well, don’t get too cocky and start ignoring what you’re doing. you might just slice through your thumb with an exacto knife
[16] I have had frostbite.
[] have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
[17] I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects. - I’ve stayed up >40 hours doing homework/projects…
[18] I currently have a job. - unpaid, but hopefully that’s changing soon
[19 ] I have been ice skating. - uhh, I used to figure skate
[20] I have been rollerblading. - and it’s evil. that’s how I originally hurt my knee.
[21] I have fallen flat on my face.
[22] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[] I have been in a fist fight.
[23] I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[] I have watched the power rangers.

[] I attend Church regularly.
[24] I have played truth or dare.
[25] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[26] I have already had my 17th birthday. - why do I suddenly feel really old…?
[27] I’ve called someone stupid.
[28] I’ve been in a verbal argument.
[29] I’ve cried in school. - name me a place where I haven’t cried
[] I’ve played basketball on a team.
[] I’ve played baseball on a team.
[] I’ve played football on a team.
[30] I’ve played soccer on a team.
[] I’ve done cheerleading on a team.
[31] I’ve played softball on a team.
[] I’ve played volleyball on a team.
[] I’ve played tennis on a team.
[] I’ve been on a track or cross country team.
[32] I’ve been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[] I’ve bungee jumped.

[33] I’ve climbed a rock wall. - whee rock climbing! I was about to start doing it weekly when I hurt my knee this summer
[34] I’ve lost more than $20.
[35] I’ve called myself an idiot. - about every 5 seconds
[36] I’ve called someone else an idiot. - about every 10 seconds
[37] I’ve cried myself to sleep. - way too often. in fact, since November 1st, not one night has past where I didn’t cry myself to sleep
[38] I’ve had (or have) pets. - 6 fish and 1 kitty. oh, and a bunch of lab rats

[39] I’ve owned a spice girls CD.
[40] I’ve owned a britney spears CD. - and I loved it…back in ‘99.
[41] I’ve owned an N*Sync CD.
[42] I’ve owned a backstreet boys CD.
[] I’ve mooned someone.
[] I have sworn at someone of authority before.
[43] I’ve been in the newspaper.
[44] I’ve been on TV. - skating shows, History Bites, etc.
[] I’ve been to Hawaii.
[45] I’ve eaten sushi. - mmm…I want Ta-Ke RIGHT NOW
[46] I’ve been on the other side of a waterfall. - I definitely take having one of the wonders of the world 45 minutes from my house for granted.
[47] I’ve watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[48] I’ve watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[] I’ve watched all of the Rocky movies.
[] I’ve watched the 3 stooges.
[49] I’ve watched “Newlyweds” Nick & Jessica. - god what an idiot. I love watching it just to laugh.
[50] I’ve watched Looney Tunes.
[] I’ve been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.

[51] I’ve been called a geek.
[52] I’ve studied hard for a test and got a bad grade. - BIOCHEM (for one)
[53] I’ve not studied at all for a test and aced it. - I got a 96 in algorithms. before every test, I spent the evening watching tv at Jameel’s. I even got drunk once.
[] I’ve hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[] I’ve hugged my dad within the past 24 hours. - now I feel homesick
[54] I’ve met a celebrity/music artist. - quite a few, actually
[55] I’ve written poetry. - by force…I suck at it
[] I’ve been arrested.

[56] I’ve been attracted to someone much older than me. - how much older is much older, and how do you define attracted? I briefly dated someone 9 years older than me…
[57] I’ve been tickled till I’ve cried.
[58] I’ve tickled someone else until they cried.
[] I’ve had/have siblings. - I wish
[59] I’ve been to a rock concert.

[60] I’ve listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[61] I’ve been in a play. - I still can’t believe I missed Into the Woods
[62] I’ve been picked last in gym class.
[63] I’ve been picked first in gym class.
[64] I’ve been picked in that middle-range in gym class.

[65] I’ve cried in front of my friends. again, name me a place where I haven’t cried
[66] I’ve read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[67] I’ve played Halo 2. - and hated it
[68] I’ve freaked out over a sports game.
[] I’ve been to Alaska.

[] I’ve been to China.
[] I’ve been to Spain.
[] I’ve been to Japan.
[69] I’ve had a fight with someone on AIM. MSN
[70] I’ve had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[71] I’ve had serious conversations on any IM. - as a general rule, I refuse to do it…but sometimes you don’t have an option

[72] I’ve forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[73] I’ve been forgiven.
[] I’ve screamed at a scary movie.
[74] I’ve cried at a chick flick. - I cried watching Grey’s on Thursday, lol
[75] I’ve watched a lot of action movies.
[76] I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs.
[77] I’ve been to a rap concert.

[78] I’ve been to a hip hop concert.
[79] I’ve lived in more than 2 houses. - well, my “permanent residence” has always been the same, but I’ve been in various places in Kingston
[80] I’ve driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[81] I’ve driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day. - my house –> Kingston = 176 miles
[82] I’ve been in a car accident. - and I was at fault…or so I thought…now I’m not so sure

[] I’ve done drugs.
[83] I’ve been homesick. - see before number 54
[84] I’ve thrown up. - um, who hasn’t?
[] I’ve puked on someone.
[85] I’ve been horseback riding.

[] I’ve filled out more than 10 myspace surveys.
[86] I’ve spoken my mind in public.
[87] I’ve proved someone wrong.
[88] I’ve been proven wrong by someone.
[] I’ve broken a leg.

[89] I’ve broken an arm. - hey, I have a 10 year anniversary coming up!
[] I’ve fallen off a swing.
[90] I’ve swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight
[91] I’ve watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[92] I’ve forgotten my backpack when I’ve gone to school.

[] I’ve lost my backpack.
[93] I’ve come close to dying.
[] I’ve seen someone die.
[94] I’ve known someone who has died.
[] I’ve wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.

[] I’ve done modeling.
[95] I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[96] I’ve taken something/someone for granted. - 1) see number 46; 2) still devastated…
[] I’ve realized how good my life is.
[97] I’ve counted my blessings.
[98] I’ve made fun of a classmate.
[] I’ve been asked out by someone and I said no.

[] I’ve slapped someone in the face.
[99] I’ve been skateboarding.
[100] I’ve been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend. - way too many times. most recent: New Year’s Eve. I hate people.
[101] I’ve lied to someone to their face.
[102] I’ve told a little white lie.

[103] I’ve taken a day off from school just so I don’t go insane. - how about, I’ve taken semesters off school because I’d gone certifiably insane?
[104] I’ve fainted. - and hit my head on the toilet lid (no I was not drunk…I was 6)
[] I’ve had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[] I’ve pushed someone into a pool.
[] I’ve been pushed into a pool.
[] I’ve been/am in love. - great, let’s end this meme by reminding me that nobody loves me

edit (Jan 24): still working on it

At this particular time you are feeling the results of extreme stress and you are seeking a ‘way out’ but you are pushing too hard. Obviously you need peace, tranquillity and contentment. Your temperament is such that you are hoping, unrealistically perhaps, that your desires will shortly be fulfilled (even if at this time you are not quite sure what those true aspirations may be!).

For some time now you may have been subjected to considerable physical illness and or emotional distress. This may have taken a severe toll and you feel both physically and mentally worn out. Your self esteem has been reduced and you now need a peaceful environment which will permit you to effect full recovery.

You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always ‘right’ - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

All the distress and agitation is the result of attempting to avoid any form of stimulation or excitement. The situation in which you find yourself at this time is one of hostility and therefore you are under considerable pressure. You are very irritable and prone to angry outbursts. You are in a mental quandary and you could be experiencing physical problems. You are very distressed by the apparent hostility of everyone around you and you feel coerced and subjected to intolerable pressures. You are resentful of what you regard as unreasonable demands on you but the situation is such that you feel powerless to control it and at this time you just don’t know ‘which way to turn’.

You are completely worn out and you are not in the mood for any further demands on your resources. The situation - such as it is - has rendered you quite helpless, unable to continue the mental battle that you have been pursuing for some considerable time. Enough is enough. All you would like to do now would be to have some time for yourself, to find a peaceful situation where you can recuperate in your own time.

- Paul Goldin Research

Actually, reading this again, this is more representative of me at this time last year (an aside: one year ago today, I was released from the hospital)…

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX (aka “The Loyalist”).

“I am affectionate and skeptical”

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

* Be direct and clear.
* Listen to me carefully.
* Don’t judge me for my anxiety.
* Work things through with me.
* Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
* Laugh and make jokes with me.
* Gently push me toward new experiences.
* Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six

* being committed and faithful to family and friends
* being responsible and hardworking
* being compassionate toward others
* having intellect and wit
* being a nonconformist
* confronting danger bravely
* being direct and assertive

What’s Hard About Being a Six

* the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind(!!!!!!!!!)
* procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
* fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
* exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
* wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
* being too critical of myself when I haven’t lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often

* are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn
* are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger
* form a team of “us against them” with a best friend or parent
* look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel
* are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents

* are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
* are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
* worry more than most that their children will get hurt
* sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

http://theappleblog.com/2007/01/09/modbook-unveiled-no-one-notices/

Now, I know it won’t be out until later this year, but it’s just so pretty !

—

Looking back on 2006
About You…
Name:	Caitlin
Nickname:	Cait
How old were you in 2006?:	20, for the most part; I turned 21 in December
What was the most important thing you discovered in 2006?:	that I have an actual, genuine and very severe sleep disorder; I’m not just lazy
What will you always remember about 2006?:	the hell that was that year
In 2006 did you…
Keep your New Years resolution?:	I don’t think I made one
Go on a holiday?:	no
Change jobs?:	well, I left Queen’s for a couple of semesters, but I didn’t stop taking classes; I worked at the LSUC for the summer but leaving was always planned
Buy anything from eBay?:	way too many things, including a PS2 that I later sold
Prank call someone?:	I don’t think so
Get drunk?:	yes
Get high?:	on prescribed medication, under the supervision of a psychiatrist, in a psychiatric ward
Fall in love?:	no
Break up with someone?:	no
Get married?:	no
Get divorced?:	no
Stop speaking to someone?:	yes, but not by my choosing
Kiss someone?:	yes
Kiss someone whose name you can�t remember?:	no
Make a new friend?:	yes, many
Do anything embarrassing?:	oh, tons…
Do something that you thought that you would never do?:	yes, many things. one example: I got into pharmacy
Do something you have always wanted to do?:	probably, but I can’t think of an example at the moment
Do anything that you regret?:	just so many things; one specific example occurred the weekend before school began
Do anything illegal?:	I’m pretty sure I didn’t, actually
Break a promise?:	most likely
Lose something?:	my best friend, among other things
Go crazy?:	I started 2006 living in a psychiatric ward; so, no, I haven’t gone any crazier than I already was
Best of 2006…
Movie:	I’ll get back to you on that
TV Show:	Bones
Song:	I’ll get back to you on that
Album:	none?
Thing you bought:	I’m really not sure…my computer?
Memory:	This is private
Worst of 2006…
Movie:
TV Show:
Song:
Album:
Hangover:
Memory:	November 1
About 2007…
What do you want in 2007?:	happiness, whatever form that comes in
Is there anything you would do differently in 2007?:
Do you think it will be a good year?:	it better as hell beat last year!
What do you look forward to most about 2007?:
Do you have a New Years resolution?:
Take this survey | Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

I’m sitting here in bed, reflecting on life in general. Perhaps it’s because it’s Christmas, but I’m in a deep, wistful mood. My thoughts are racing faster than the fake CERN airplane featured in Angels and Demons. I hope I can get them all out here, but I just know I’ll forget something.

First and foremost, let’s start with the present (no pun intended): Christmas! I know it seems odd, but my favourite holiday is Christmas Eve. Why? I love shrimp, crab and pretty much any other seafood I can get my hands on. Since I am technically Catholic, and my daddy is still a somewhat religion-abiding person, Christmas Eve and Good Friday are always meatless. In that way, both holidays are tied. However, we always seem to go to Lucy’s with the Curries on Good Friday, and I really don’t like it there. Good Friday precedes Easter, a holiday which is no fun when you’re not very religious, not a little kid who gets overly-excited about egg hunts, and are forced to eat ham for dinner when you know so many other families celebrate with turkey. Christmas, though not as enjoyable as it used to be, is a day (and season!) to look forward to. Christmas Eve represents what has just happened and what is to come: christmas carols, midnight mass, presents, turkey and stuffing, candy cane ice cream, chocolate oranges, pumpkin pie (yes, at Christmas!), Boxing Day with the Curries, sales and, of course, love. Hence, Christmas Eve trumps Easter. Admittedly, this year is somewhat different: the Curries are in Jamaica (THEY SAID I COULD COME TOO…GRR), I’ve lost my voice (therefore, no caroling ), I’m too sick for church and there’s nothing I really want to shop for. Despite all this, I think this is one of the best Christmases I’ve ever had. I feel so loved…I’ve gotten some very special gifts today, and I’m so thankful. Even though my one Christmas wish hasn’t been fulfilled, it’s not bothering me all that much (yet). I think part of what’s made this Christmas so fantastic is experience. Last year, Christmas involved me having to be in the presence of my parents at all times (as I was given a holiday pass from the hospital to spend Christmas at home), lying to almost everyone I know (making up horrible excuses instead of telling people I was in the hospital…), being certifiably insane (it’s true, I have the certificate to prove it!), and the guilt and pressure of having been taken away from Kingston without completing any exams and under horrible circumstances which EVERYONE now knew about (it’s so fun when something you’ve been hiding your whole life gets exposed to a whole community). Admittedly, I did enjoy spending time with people in the hospital…it was the first time I really truly felt like I fit in…which is scary in itself. So, anyway, I know what it’s like to have a horrible Christmas, to be so depressed that you just want it to all go away. Last year, I remember forbidding movie-watching and Christmas carols, because seeing people so happy made me feel so depressed; why could they all be so happy and I couldn’t?

I’m actually somewhat happy with my gifts this year! Bragging time! Forgive me if some pictures don’t show…it’s 3AM, so I’m direct-linking and not caring:

Canon PowerShot SD630 Digital ELPH: Okay, so this was actually a birthday gift. But I love it! My old digicam was 5 years old, over an inch thick, low quality and the shutter button was faulty. This baby, however, works perfectly fine. I’ve been doing a lot of experimenting with the different features. For example, there’s a Photoshop-like effect where you can choose a specific colour from the scene, and then the picture will come out in black-and-white with the item colourized. I also had fun the other day while playing poker at Aidan’s; I took some old-fashioned photos using the sepia colourization. There’s still some features I’m somewhat sketchy on, but hopefully I’ll get them soon. I wish I could just spend my time photographing…more on that later. I love this camera; my only regret is that, if I had the funding, I would have preferred a digital SLR.

Bones: Season 1: I love this show. You should see how over-excited I get when it’s a Wednesday night and I know it’s on! I loved Kathy Reichs’ books long before the television series began, and refused to watch the show last year because I thought it would ruin the series. Wow. The show and the books are like apples and oranges; the only real similarity is that she’s a forensic anthropologist named Temperance Brennan. Different city, different age, different characters, different family (her ex-husband has the same name, but is completely different), different pets, different everything. One of my favourite aspects of the show: the geekiness factor! Granted, you have to be an anthropology fan to really appreciate half the material. But oh I love it when she goes on about anthropological facts. In the books, the focus was on archaeology, forensic, biological and physical anthropology. In the books, Tempe HATES social and cultural anthropology; on the shows, you just can’t get enough. Also, the characters are so socially inept and relatable!

Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures by Vincent Lam: This is my favourite gift. Why? It was the only gift that was truly both a surprise and appropriate. Apparently, my mom saw it being publicized on TV one day, after it won the Giller Prize, and knew I’d love it. She was right. I’d never heard of it! Basically, it follows the life of 4 medical students in short stories. I know that description doesn’t sound terribly appealing; Google it for more. One upside to this book, as opposed to all the other semi-fictional medical training novels: the author is from Ontario. He went to U of T for med school, and is an emergency physician at Toronto East (stalking via the College of Physicians and Surgeons…ahh, the things you pick up during your summer jobs…). So, of course, there’s hints of Canadian influence throughout (I assume).

Dead Men Do Tell Tales: The Strange and Fascinating Cases of a Forensic Anthropologist by William Maples: I can’t quite remember how I stumbled across this book. Perhaps I found it while perusing Amazon for the latest Kathy Reichs book a few months ago. In any case, it sounds very interesting to me. The content is fairly self-explanatory: it consists of various odd cases the author has worked on over the years. I don’t know how great this one will be though. While I do like this stuff, my interests lie in pathology, not anthropology. I would have preferred Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach or any novel by Robin Cook featuring Laurie Montgomery and/or Jack Stapleton. But, I did ask for it, and I’m glad I have it!

She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb: I’m guessing everyone knows what this is. The book follows the main character, Dolores, through her melodramatic, insane life, from age 4 to 40. If you know anything at all about me, you can guess why I want to read it. Not as appropriate as, say, Prozac Nation, Girl, Interrupted, The Bell Jar, Lisa, Bright and Dark or The Virgin Suicides, but still applicable.

Trivial Pursuit: Pop Culture: This is clearly more for my mother than it is for me. She argues that it’s not, since it’s about pop culture, but we know better. Just thinking about it brings back some great memories! First off, a random factoid: sometime in the 70s, my mom was named the best Trivial Pursuit player in the GTA. Never play against her. Haha, now, why do both my random memories involve Char?! The first: playing Trivial Pursuit for Kids with our parents; not much to say, but it was fun, and we kicked their asses! The better one: I definitely forget what the question was, it must have been something like “What is another name for a wildebeest”. Char and I are just sitting there forever, no clue what the answer is. Finally, they told us time was almost up, and so Char just shouted out something like “Phenu”, just as a completely made up word. Of course, that hit me straight away, and I shouted “GNU!!!!” Our parents were dumbfounded. It was amazing. You had to be there…

HP Pavilion Media Centre TV m7690n: COMPUTER! Anyone who’s been reading or listening to me for the past few months knows that I need (a) new computer(s). I’ve pretty much decided that the desktop is going to be all about the entertainment and whatnot, and the laptop is all business. So, now I have this pretty “media” desktop. Comes with: 2.13GHz Core 2 Duo processor with Viiv technology, 2GB RAM, 2 250GB SATA drives, a DVD writer (with way too many features to list, but includes dual-layer and LightScribe), and HD-DVD player (with a free The Bource Supremacy HD-DVD), wireless card, an NVIDIA GeForce 7600GT 256MB graphics card, ethernet AND modem, a built-in TV and radio tuner and PVR (so the video card can be changed without eliminating these!), a remote control (my fave part! ), Windows Media Centre (hrm, could be slightly problematic in a couple of months), a HP Personal Media Drive slot, a wireless mouse and keyboard, a 15-in-1 memory card reader and a bunch of other semi-useless crap. Like every pre-built computer, it has its problems. For example, the video card: my current video card is actually better (though not much), but only works in a PCI slot. This video card is in a PCI-E slot, and there are no free PCI slots. Now, one of those PCI slots is filled with the wireless card, which I don’t actually need at the moment, especially in res. The problem will come about when I want a wireless card in there (which may be never). Out of curiosity, I started looking up what kind of card I’d need if I want to start doing high-end medical imaging for grad school. Eep…that’s all I have to say. This whole “HP Personal Media Drive” deal is sketchy. Basically, a PMD is a special external drive that fits into this slot instead of hooking it up with USB (which you would do if you use this with other PCs). It seems like there’s a good section of the front panel gone to waste. It’s expensive, and I don’t want nor need one. Of course, that’s the point, isn’t it. I just bought a new wireless keyboard and mouse in the summer, so I have to decide which I like…which means I wasted good money. Otherwise, I’m currently very, very happy.

Western Digital 120GB Passport Portable Hard Drive: It’s exactly what it sounds like: a hard drive that’s the size of a passport. My mom got it so that I could carry necessary files home on weekends without lugging my laptop. I don’t really see the point, but I’m not turning down more space! Okay, so, given that I’ve exchanged desktops and currently have the same laptop (which should change soon), I now have 500GB on the desktop, a 250GB drive and enclosure, a 300GB drive and enclosure, a 120GB portable drive, a 60GB iPod (which is mostly used for storage, since there’s waaay too much space…hey, I didn’t ask for it, I got it for free when the stupid other one broke!) and a 40GB laptop. If 1TB = 1000GB (which isn’t true…), then I now have 1.27TB of space…and that’s not even including things like memory cards and keys. HOLY CRAP. I don’t think I’ll be buying another hard drive for a looooong time…

Max2Elite TENS Stimulator: Oh baby, I don’t have this yet, but I’m getting it. If you’ve ever been to physio, you may have used a more powerful version of one of these before. Basically, you’re being stimulated with electricity to contract and relax your muscles. As we learned in physiology etc., when you contract and then relax a muscle, the muscle becomes more relaxed than it originally was. That’s the basic principle behind it. It’s kind of like the Dr. Ho thing you see on TV, but stronger. And yes, that Dr. Ho thing does work, no, it’s not a scam…try having serious pain, then try one of these babies, and you’ll know what I mean! But yes, I need this for various parts of my screwed-up body like my back (which is so ridiculously tense that Justin hurt himself trying to massage it!), my neck (one day, I’ll scan in my x-rays and show you all how fucked up my neck is; for now, check this (mine’s a bit more curved in the opposite direction (as in, if you were looking at this image from the left, it would be convex instead of concave), has a steeper slope pointing forward, and my axial and atlantal vertebrae are smushed together when my head decides to stick straight up instead of out at an angle) out to see what it’s sort of like, and compare with a normal neck (take notice of the fact that the people are facing in opposite directions when you compare).

Other gifts:

• 4 piano books, including:
  • Wicked Vocal with Piano Accompaniment (okay, I actually have the Piano/Vocal/Guitar version with the melody played by the piano, but I’m exchanging it)
  • Pride and Prejudice Movie Soundtrack (my silly parents got the easy piano version, so this needs exchanging too…)
• stocking stuffers:
  • chocolate orange!
  • real orange
  • licorice allsorts
  • M&Ms
  • Fererro Rochers mmmmmmm
  • a personalised pen (from a dollar store)
  • a personalised ornament (again, dollar store)
• a shirt (which is being returned…”hand wash” and “lay flat to dry” and “living in residence” do not mix)
• a purse
• a photo cartridge
• photo paper
• a laptop IOU

This brings me back to something I said the other day: my parents are beginning to spoil me, and I’m not sure if I like it…

All the wonderful “Adobe ____ Classroom in a Book” books that are so highly praised yet so ridiculously overpriced?

FREE!!!!!!!

Not to mention all the Peachpit Press books, and the majority of the Lange medical and science books (sadly, not Basic and Clinical Pharmacology, the required PHAR340/341 text ).

Ah, I’m never leaving university. Never ever.

I’ve decided to make some entries password-protected. If you’d like the password, get in touch with me.

Password:

I’ve decided to make some entries password-protected. If you’d like the password, get in touch with me.

Password:

If this website was a child, I would have been thrown in jail for neglect long ago.

So, I resolve to do the following over the next…while:

• MAKE A GODDAM LAYOUT — I’ve been saying this for over a year. This layout was semi-done by me…I did the colour scheme, modified a simple image to make the header, and added some extras to a pre-made template. I’ve had a few designed for a while. My problem is, I change my mind way too often. By the time I’ve finished it, I’m sick of it. Which leads me to resolution #2…
• (RE)HONE MY ILLUSTRATOR/PS/PSP SKILLS — I used to know what I was doing. I really did. I’ve half a mind to take a course through a college or something, but I know I’ll be sitting there bashing my head against the computer because I know everything they’re saying. Only, I’ve forgotten. Damn. I’d also like to get back to using 3ds max for layouts, among other nifty tools. This leads to…
• PHOTOGRAPHY — I love taking photos, that’s obvious. With my new camera, I’ve started to remember how much I liked taking artistic, creative shots. Sure, I always go around clicking and capturing moments at get-togethers; but I do nothing professional-like. This needs to change. An SLR camera would help, but beggars can’t be choosers, right?
• UPDATE WP — I’m using v1.5 here, and they’re up to v2.0.5. I’ve known this for a long time, and I’ve been meaning to update, but that requires making a new layout, as I’m sure this one will crash and burn with the new features.
• CODING — When validating code yesterday, I discovered something that I really hope is a new development: using the align tag, in most cases, is not valid! Eep. I need to get up-to-date with my code. Specifically, I need to use XHTML, CSS, PHP and MySQL until it kills me. It’s that simple.
• CONTENT — Oh. Dear. God. This was supposed to be a personal site, not simply a blog! I’ve now owned it for almost two years, and I’ve got nothing. Sure, I have outdated data from old sites, but I haven’t even bothered to cut and paste it! I’m not even sure exactly what content I’ll be putting up these days…your typical crap such as a mini-bio and domain info, probably photos and graphics (as in art, not pre-made crap for visitors). I intend to take full advantage of WP as a CMS, to make my life somewhat easier. Other than that, it’s all about the freehand coding. People who use FrontPage or anything of the sort piss me off.

I had so much more to add to that list, and I forget already. It overwhelms me. Unfortunately, I’m supposed to stay away from anything and everything that overwhelms me; it’s all part of the “treatment”, so that I don’t have >20 panic attacks per day.

Speaking of which, I have more resolutions, all to do with my new baby computer! I desperately need to sort through all my e-mails in my gmail, yahoo, hotmail, u of t and qlink accounts, as well as those hosted on this server. Seriously…right now, I have over 3000 new messages in my yahoo account alone. I also really need to organise all my media files; right now, I have everything spread over 4 different drives, with no organisation scheme whatsoever. This should probably be solved when I transition all my data to the new computer…*crosses fingers*.

As for other resolutions (these weren’t meant to be new years resolutions, but given the timing, I guess they are!), stay tuned!

You might notice some changes already! They’re all straight-forward…I updated some “alt” tags to conform with Section 508 standards, and have begun reorganising my post categories. It’s a start, right?

I’ve been using FireFox almost exclusively for the past year now. Back in 1994-6, if I was using a *real* browser (as opposed to CompuServe or AOL), it was Netscape, until we got Windows 95 and were introduced to IE. All time in between has been dominated by IE. I’ve used Safari when playing with Macs; otherwise, I’d tried nothing, including Opera.

Time for a change?

I have issues with both browsers, and wish I could find something that had all the features I want.

With IE, the Find function is crap; I LOVE FireFox’s implementation!

For FTP, while you do have to download an add-on for Firefox to make it work (whereas it comes with IE), Firefox dominates, especially when the server is password-protected.

Now that IE has tabbed browsing, it’s become slightly more favourable. I love having all my work open in separate areas, and I love the tabs option because I can group sites together. My biggest beef with Firefox is how, when you open a new window, it loads a brand new instance. In IE, when a new window is opened, it opens with the same site displayed and all the browser history imported. I find that very helpful.

For downloads, both have their goods and bads. Firefox seems to hate .exe files, and MAKES you download them (as opposed to using “run”). IE doesn’t give you the oh-so-handy Download Manager, and is ALWAYS slower, even though there’s no reason for it.

So, what am I looking for? I guess a browser that uses a Find function like Firefox, allows tabs, opens new windows containing browser history and lets me run exe files without saving them to disk (except to, obviously, the temp internet files folder). (Oh, if anyone knows if there’s Firefox extensions available that do these things, let me know!)

So, I finally took the plunge (not that it was a huge investment!) and downloaded Opera. What can I say. I HATE IT. Maybe I have to use it some more, I don’t know. It seems to combine my least-favourite features of IE and Firefox. Lovely. The only feature I’m loving is the thumbnail preview, and I already have that as a Firefox extension.

Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be ANY other options. I just flat out hate Netscape on principle, and I can’t really assess Safari without a Mac (which is a con in itself; cross-platform compatibility is key!). Otherwise…what else is there?

If anyone cares to opine, please comment. I think I need some talking into Opera. In the meantime, I’m sticking with my dear friend Mr. Fox (first name: Fire).

Note to self: Start blogging more things like this, and not emo crap.